Sex and the Shire: A Journey of Self Discovery
by Allergic2All
Summary: So Pip is curious where babies come from. Can Merry help him or will our poor confussed hobbit seek out other means to understand?
1. No really, where DO they come from?

Sex and the Shire: A Journey of Self Discovery  
  
  
  
Pip wasn't the smartest of hobbits, but that never bothered him. He was often times carefree, fun loving, the kind of guy you could always find relaxing under a tree in the late afternoons with a pipe and a smile. But today, Pippin had a very important question on his mind, one that had him dumbfounded since his after brunch smoke. Naturally, when he couldn't answer a question, Pippin always went to have a chat with his greatest friend, Meridoc Brandybuck.  
  
"Merry, where do babies come from?"  
  
"Oi Pip, you mean your mom never told you?"  
  
"She did, but Bilbo always said never listen to anything she tells me!"  
  
"Well, what did she tell you?" Pippin paused for thought.  
  
"She said that we all start as potatoes, and if we're lucky someone pulls us out of the ground, and if we're doubly lucky they don't eat us and then we grow legs and become hobbits!" Merry just stared at his friend in absolute shock. Pippin just tried to look as confident as he could.  
  
"I wouldn't surprised if you did start as a potato." Merry shook his head.  
  
"Was she lying?"  
  
"Pippin, we don't come from potatoes, all right?" A sad expression crept onto Pippin's face. For a moment he thought he might have been right about something.  
  
"Well then, where do hobbits come from?"  
  
"Sex," Merry put it simply, "sex equals babies. Basic equation."  
  
"How does sex equal babies? That makes no sense!" Pippin shouted in total disbelief. Merry placed an arm around his upset companion.  
  
"Something tells me I'm going to need to explain this to you from the beginning."  
  
The two hobbits found a place outside the Shire where they could sit and talk about such things as sex without worry of the other folks of the town to hear them.  
  
"Let's see, where to start?" Merry sat down on a log, Pippin followed suit on a rock. "Well, you know what sex is right?" Pippin stood up from his spot, proudly raised his head and a finger and smiled knowingly at Mer.  
  
"When two hobbits love each other very much and they've decided together that,"  
  
"Very good Pip," Merry interrupted sitting his friend back down, "least I don't have to describe that to you."  
  
"So, sex happens between two people who love each other?"  
  
"Not always Pippin. Ever hear of a booty call?" Pip shook his head.  
  
"Well, that's not important. What's important is answering your question."  
  
"I have a new question!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What's a booty call?" Merry slapped himself on the forehead.  
  
"I think I'm making this too complicated for you. Now, you know sex happens when a man and a woman love each other,"  
  
"Or a man and a man," Pip interrupted.  
  
"Yes, okay, that can happen. But men can't have babies. So, as I was saying,"  
  
"So, Frodo can never have a baby?" Merry was looking more and more frustrated by the minute.  
  
"NO! One, because he's a man, and two, because you can't reproduce with butter! May I continue?"  
  
"Poor Frodo," Pip looked down to the ground, a sad expression on his face, "can't he just plant some potatoes or something?" At this point, Merry threw his arms up in annoyance and walked away, leaving Pip alone and no closer to the answer to his question. Well, he did have a few new terms to take with him.  
  
"Booty call isn't love, so you can't have a baby when," Pip held his hand to his head, "I don't even know what one is! Maybe Frodo and Sam can't have a baby cause what they do is a booty call! Or, did Merry say something about butter?" Pippin got up from his rock. He knew what he had to do. Ask Frodo and Sam!  
  
To be continued…….you lucky bastards! 


	2. They gots the munchies for a California ...

They gots the munchies for a California cheese burger!  
  
Pippin knocked three times on the big round front door at Bag End, and waited for a response.  
  
"Who is it?" Frodo's voice called from within.  
  
"It's me cousin! It's me, Pippin!" The door opened, but instead of Frodo, it was Sam.  
  
"Thank goodness you're here too Sam! I need to talk with the both of you."  
  
"Is something wrong?" Frodo asked, coming up from behind Sam.  
  
"No, I just need to ask you two some questions, all right?" Both the hobbits behinds the door nodded, and ushered Pip in and placed him by the fire. There's always a fire in a hobbit's house, always.  
  
"So," Frodo said sitting down beside his cousin, "what seems to be bothering you, must be something big."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Usually when you have a problem you talk to that mean old friend of your Merry." Sam called from the kitchen.  
  
"Something smells good, what are you two having?"  
  
"Nothing special, now tell me what is wrong." Pip quickly explained his situation of not understanding where babies came from, and that somehow in trying to learn more he pissed off his friend Merry.  
  
"That Merry, he's a mean one!"  
  
"You only say that cause he says your fat." Pippin laughed. Yes, Sam was a fat one! Merry was quite observant.  
  
"Well, would you like us to explain to you how babies are made?" Frodo asked. Pippin nodded. "All right! Sam, may I see you in the bedroom?"  
  
"Now, don't you be touching our dinner." Sam wagged a finger in front of Pip's nose, then followed his lover into the bedroom.  
  
"Wonder what they're up to?"  
  
  
  
Pippin waited, and waited, and waited. He waited until the sun set itself in the western fields of the Shire, and the sound of workers coming home could be heard from an open window. Pippin just sat there, waiting, singing to himself.  
  
  
  
Well she glides around the globe, and she'll flim-flam every nation  
  
She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery  
  
Her itinerary's loaded up with moving violations  
  
Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?  
  
(To Howlin: Camp picked this one out. Come on, it's funny!)  
  
"Hello!" The bedroom door swung open, revealing two very excited looking hobbits, both with their hands behind their backs.  
  
"Oh goody! A surprise!" Pippin clapped his hands together.  
  
"All right, Sam and I decided the best way to explain this whole sort of thing to you. So, for your entertainment Mr. Peregrin Took, may we present our…" Frodo and Sam dived behind their couch. Moments later, two sock disguised as their puppeteers popped out from behind, "Puppet Sex Theater!" Pippin smiled, a look a child-like delight was clear on his face. The look became even more obvious when a small Pip like puppet sock jumped up.  
  
"That's me!" Pippin pointed and laughed.  
  
"Hello Frodo," said the Pip puppet, "tell me, where do babies come from?"  
  
"I'll tell you!" The Sam puppet shouted.  
  
"Oh yes, do tell!" The real Pippin called to the stage. He was excited to see where all the drama was going. Would Puppet Pip ever know the truth?  
  
"You see, when two hobbits are in love, they come together, to have sex."  
  
"Yes, yes I know!"  
  
"Sometimes, when having sex," the Frodo puppet took over, "something very special happens to the man. When he gets arouse he,"  
  
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" All the puppets froze as a new one took the scene. It had two blue button eyes and a lump of curly blond hair.  
  
"It's Mer!" Pippin clapped for his miniature friend.  
  
"Sam, what are you doing?" Frodo whispered from behind the couch. All the puppets fell limp. "You said you wouldn't do this!"  
  
"I'm sorry love, but I hate that bastard so much!"  
  
"Why because he calls you fat?"  
  
"No, he won't even do that! It's always some cruel taunt like butterball, butter cheeks, tons o fun!"  
  
"He's Pips friend! Besides, you being bigger means there's just more to love!" Pippin was watching this whole scene with the utmost intent of learning what was to happen next. Everyone seemed to have died, or fallen asleep. Yes, they were sleep talking!  
  
"My, my," Pippin whispered to himself, "this is quite a play!"  
  
"You like that, don't you, you filthy whore!"  
  
"Oh yes, higher, higher, that's it! Oh Frodo!"  
  
"I got more where that came from." The Merry puppet fell over, and the others began to make strange sounds, especially those Sam and Frodo ones. Strange, strange panting noises. Pippin felt as if he were to cry.  
  
"No one said it was a tragedy." His eyes rested upon the fallen Merry. "I can't take anymore!" Pippin lifted himself from his seat and headed behind the couch with the intent of asking the two to stop the horrible tragedy. How was he supposed to know so many people he knew died in the process of birth? As the saddened hobbit turned the corner, what he saw, strangely enough, cleared up most of the things Merry could not explain to him.  
  
"Oh," he whispered, not wanting to disturb the naked Sam and Frodo, "that's a booty call!"  
  
The moaning and love making continued, and Pip made himself comfortable in the kitchen. The two were to busy booty calling, so he decided to help himself to dinner. Lifting up the top of a pot on the stove, Pippin found the first thing that night that would actually shock him, believe it or not.  
  
"P-potatoes!" The poor boy stuttered. A big pot of boiling potatoes was sitting right under his nose. It was all coming together now. The potatoes, the puppets, the booty call, babies, and the butter! All of these thoughts were spinning around madly inside Pips head as he sprinted for the door. Frodo and Sam could have babies, but not for loving, no, they wanted to eat them! And booty call the night away!  
  
"I have to find Merry," Pippin cried, running down the unoccupied dirt road, "I just have to find Merry!" 


	3. Sex, drugs, Pippin. What doesn’t belong?

Sex, drugs, Pippin. What doesn't belong?  
  
"Was it good for you?"  
  
"Oh yeah, that was a good sex, love," Merry drew from his pipe. Nothing like a smoke after a bit of the in out with the loosest hobbit in the Shire.  
  
"So, how much do I owe you, Mer," Estella Bulger (note: Merry's future wife, not an OC!) asked casually pushing her long dark hair out of her face. Merry exhaled, filling the room with the intoxicating smell of sweet Shire grass.  
  
"Consider it on the house, my lady." Both smiled, and Estella took the pipe From Merry.  
  
"MERRY! MEEEEEEERRY!" The peaceful moment was soon interrupted by the wailing of young Pippin, running up the road. "MERRY! WHERE ARE YOU? THIS IS IMPORTANT!"  
  
"Probably wants to ask me where babies come from again," Merry sighed rolling over.  
  
"Why would he ask something like that?  
  
"'Cause he's a moron who thinks hobbits come from potatoes!" Merry leapt naked from the bed. "Where are my pants?"  
  
"I don't know," Estella replied seductively, "maybe you left them in the bed."  
  
"I would come and check, but right now I don't have the time. Pip is likely to hurt himself with a blunt object and or a small woodland creature in the time it'd take us to, well," Merry eyed the naked Estella, "you know."  
  
"No, I don't.  
  
"Sex. Sex, sex, sex. Hey, one more time, SEX! Happy?"  
  
"Actions speak louder than words my dear Merry,"  
  
"Shut up and help me find my pants."  
  
"MERRY! Oi, Mer! Where are you?" Pip was close to tears. His friend Merry was no where to be found, and by now Frodo and Sam were surely munching down on those poor helpless babies.  
  
"MER? MER?" No response. He was all alone. Pippin fell to the ground sobbing. What a horrible night!  
  
"Pip, what's wrong?" Pippin looked up, his vision blurred with tears. It was Merry, wearing nothing but a pair of pants and his suspenders hanging to the side. No shirt or vest, just his naked chest. "This had better be good." Merry drew from the pipe in his hand. Pippin used a sleeve to dry his eyes, and then extended a hand.  
  
"I want a smoke."  
  
Pippin smoked and smoked, the smoked some more. He was feeling better now that he had found Merry.  
  
"So, what has gotten you in such a state?" Merry asked, a hint of concern in his voice.  
  
"Frodo and Sam, they're eating babies!" There was a silence, a long silence as Merry tried to understand what Pippin had said. The brunette did have a knack for getting things confused, seeing as how he was Pippin, but Merry could not think of what he confused for being "eating babies." But most likely, Frodo and Sam were doing no such thing.  
  
"Where were they doing this now?"  
  
"At Bag End. I went to talk with them, about babies, and then they were eating babies, and booty calling!"  
  
"You don't know what a booty call is!"  
  
"I do now!" Merry rolled his eyes.  
  
As fast as they could, the two friends made their way down to Frodo's home, hoping to clear up this crazy situation.  
  
"They're in the kitchen Mer, in a pot! Unless they've eaten them!"  
  
"Calm down now," Merry was trying his hardest to keep poor Pippin for having a spaz attack. He lifted his hand to knock on the door, but was quickly stopped by a squeak behind him. "What?"  
  
"We can't do that," Pippin whispered, "they're evil! They might still be hungry and eat us!"  
  
"The only one you should be worried about eating us is Sam, and I could drop his buttery bum and day of the week! And we've known Frodo all our lives. He hasn't eaten us before, why would he start now?"  
  
"Please Merry, let's just peep in the window!" Merry sighed, then motioned for his friend to follow him around the side of the house.  
  
What they saw, well, was just a repeat if earlier.  
  
"I'm coming!"  
  
"Frodo, yes, more, I NEED MORE DAMMIT!"  
  
"Sam, panting Oh YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" And so on. Many strange noises were coming from behind the couch. Merry just stared, jaw dropped, Pippin was just sniffing around for food.  
  
"What the hell? Pip, they aren't eating babies!"  
  
"What are they eating?"  
  
"Shut up Pip! No time for more questions!"  
  
"Tell me! I'm hungry!"  
  
"Not for that buddy." Merry, at this point, decided to cover Pippin's eyes. He could see the multitudes of questions swarming in the hobbits little mind. Questions he didn't want to answer.  
  
"Merry? What they're doing, is THAT a booty call?"  
  
THERE IS MORE! Sorry this chapter kinda sucked, but I other things I have to do okay, you people don't control my life! 


	4. So you wanna learn how to get laid?

So you wanna learn how to get laid?  
  
"Pip! I don't know what you've been doing tonight or who you've been talking to, but believe it or not you're more screwed up than ever before!" Merry wasn't happy, course Merry was never happy, but now he had a reason. Pippin was stupid, that was something he had come to terms with a long time ago. The thing he could hardly stand though was the way Pippin had of making everything far too complicated for himself. Even now, as he was dragging his poor friend away from the window, his hands still covering Pippin's eyes, he was bombarded by a number of idiotic questions.  
  
"What Merry? I uncovered something here! Something sick and twisted!"  
  
"You certainly did! I don't think I'll ever be able to erase the image of Frodo and that slice of ham having, having,"  
  
"Having sex Mer?" Merry shivered. Sick stuff. Tonight was truly a night of unholy terror. Pip was in agreement, but for a different reason. "What about the babies?"  
  
"What babies? I saw no babies!"  
  
"In the kitchen, there were potatoes and,"  
  
"DAMMIT PIPPERS!" The two halted the procession. Merry grabbed his friend by the collar of his jacket and looked him in the eye.  
  
"Potatoes do not equal babies! Not now not ever, understand?" Pippin gave a nervous nod. "A booty call is not was Frodo and the butter cheeks are up to! Understand?" Pippin nodded. "The end! No more! You and I are going home, right?" To Merry's displeasure, Pippin shook his head no.  
  
"I still haven't learned where babies come from!"  
  
"I told you already! Why can't we go home?"  
  
"I don't believe it Mer, I just can't." Pippin threw himself down onto the dirt road in an attempt of throwing a fit.  
  
"How hard is it? You believe we can come from roots in the ground but you can't believe we come from sex? Something just as natural and even more practical?" Again, Pippin shook his head. "Well fine! Forget it! Forget this whole night ever happened! That's all I want to do, get the hell away from here and the immense aura of stupid that seems to follow you around!" Good night, Pip!" And with that, the disgruntled Merry trudged off back into town leaving Pippin once again lonely and confused. There was only one other place he could go. One other place where he may find an answer to his eternally perplexing question. The tavern.  
  
Yes, the tavern. The resting place of the two oldest things in the Shire, Bilbo and Gandalf. Both were high in years and very, very wise. Pippin knew if anyone could help him, they could. Even though Gandalf really, really, really didn't like him all that much. It showed in the way he addressed Pip.  
  
"What do you want you damned useless fool of a Took!" Fool of a Took, Gandalf's favorite thing to call Pippin.  
  
"Evening Gandalf, Bilbo," Bilbo nodded in response.  
  
"So, what do you need tonight dear boy?"  
  
"Well, I have a question."  
  
"Why don't you go ask your good friend Merry?" Bilbo questioned.  
  
"Because if there's anyone out there as stupid and half witted as Pip here, it's going to be Brandybuck! Now, what's your question? No puzzle is too hard for the great Gandalf!"  
  
"Where do babies come from?" The two elders stared at Pippin for a moment, a look of shock on both their faces.  
  
"Babies?" Bilbo repeated. "You want to know where they come from?"  
  
"YES! Oh please tell me! I've been asking all night and no one could tell me!"  
  
"You mean you've been walking around calling out that ridiculous question to any moron that would give you an ear? And, you mean to say no one could answer it?"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"Well, well," Bilbo mumbled to himself, climbing off his normal stack of books, "I think I may have something for you." The old hobbit carefully observed each book on the stack, talking softly to himself and squinting his eyes. "Here we are!" He shouted at last, pulling out a rather normal sized book. He handed it to Pippin, who in turn tried his best to read the title.  
  
"The Big B-book of D-dirty L-little things Hobbits Like to Do. Will this help me?"  
  
"Indeed it will!" Bilbo smiled, patting the boy on the back.  
  
"Yes, and it saves us from a great deal of embarrassing conversation."  
  
Pippin thanked the two older men, then headed back to the home he shared with Merry to sit down and read his book. It was an old book, some wear and tear on the spine and the corners were all bent up. The book was brown and featured a bunch of teenagers on the front were odd clothes, clothes like from another era. They all had large hair, somewhat similar to hobbits and they all wore large pants which were like nothing Pip had ever seen. The title of the book was printed in some wavy font and was highly multi-colorful. It reminded Pip of a fine trip he had one day while smoking some weed.  
  
Upon arriving home, Pippin sat himself down, opened up the book, and began to learn!  
  
"Chapter One. So, you wanna learn how to get laid," Pippin read out loud. The book was highly educational, with 22 chapters of fun and interesting facts, and pop out pictures and pull tabes to keep his interest. Also, there were full color diagrams to help his little brain out when he reached the chapter about Kama Sutra. When the first rays of the morning hit Pippins sleepy face, he had learned a good deal of new things, especially about where babies come from, and that getting the clap is NOT a good thing.  
  
"Wow, Mer was right! We do come from sex! And what a wonderful thing sex is!" Pippin winked at the cover of his new book, and strangely enough, the hip kids on the cover winked back. 


	5. Butterfly in da sky, I can fly twice as ...

(Shitty Reading Rainbow music) Do Do Do!  
  
(Pippin is sitting on the reading rainbow set with a picture of The Big Book of Dirty Little Things Hobbits Like to Do.  
  
"Hi! If you're curious about sex like me, and are as dumb as a pole, than this is the book for you! The Big Book of Dirty Little Things Hobbits Like to Do is an adventure into the hobbits body that I'm sure you'll never forget! I know I never will. This book taught me where babies come from, what my good friend Merry and his lady friends like to do in their spare time, and what a booty call really is! Plus, I also learned sex doesn't always have to involve two people. * smirks * So go down to your local library or sleeping uncle and check out this awesome book!"  
  
Do Do Do!  
  
(Merry is sitting there with a book behind him called, So, you're a baby daddy. Now what?)  
  
My life sucks! I can't believe I knocked that bitch up! And on top of it, I read this book the free clinic gave me, and I learned nothing. All I know is, I'm going to being paying child support until I'm 50!  
  
And you wanna know some something Pippers, fuc-  
  
DO DO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
